This is a motivation blog I need something to keeping me going. I look back and see how far I have come and know I never want to see the person I was again. I hope that I can inspire someone as much as some of the blogs I have seen have inspired me.
UGW: HEALTHY and Happy with how I look naked.
Hi all I figured I would do an about me page because I know I like to read them.
I am 24 married mom with a lot of issues. I won’t go back as far as I remember but we’ll go back to about 11 when the biggest changes in my life occurred. Up until april fools day when I was in 7th grade my dad had worked two jobs was rarely home. The main job my father worked was construction so this rainy April 1st they called him off because it was too wet to do what they needed to do at the site. I had stayed home because I was ill. I came up stairs to go to the bathroom when I saw my dad on his knees with his elbows on the sofa crying. I had never seen my father cry before this day. I went over and asked if he was ok and he could barely speak he was in so much pain. I called 911 and my mother at work. My father had broken his back getting off of the couch. My family’s life was turned upside down. When my dad finally got out of the hospital he was stationed in a hospital bed in the home he was rarely in for more than 45 min a day for the last 11 plus years. I think all three of us children acted out. Myself more than my siblings. I began smoking, doing drugs, and partying. I was raped at a party when I was 12 and basically hid in my room for a month I literally came out to go to the bathroom. Because of everything that was going on in my family life no one in my family noticed I wasn’t eating or leaving. While I had been self haring for a long while at this point due to depression at a very young age at this point I just began a down ward spiral. I attempted suicide at the age of 13 by drinking a bottle of vodka and taking about a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol. An amazing girl that will remain nameless came over to hang out that day, she found me passed out on my bedroom floor and shoved her finger down my throat. While I went on the ups for a short time I soon plummeted again spiraling back into drugs and now boys. I felt so alone when I met one guy that I fell for… Living is Utah most people I went to school with were LDS (mormon) and this boy was no different. I found some help with drugs and stopped with the boys to impress this guy. While nothing real relationship wise ever happened with him he saved my life. We dated a bit but were better friends than anything and I have his initials tattooed on my foot as a reminder of everything he did for me. And this wraps up Junior High…
Beging High School I had dug a big hole for myself. I still have an addictive personality and that will never change. So I fought a battle that lost me a lot of “friends” I cut out all of the people that influenced my drug habits and joined clubs, sports, and groups that kept me busy from about 5:00 am to about 11:00 pm. When things at home were good I averaged a 3.9 GPA and when they were bad I would drop to a 2.0 GPA. I lived on about an hour of sleep per night and crazy amounts of fast food that was easy to transport and easy for my mom to bring to me at various activities. While I had always been over weight I always though I would grow into my body it wasn’t until a physical my sophomore year for the swim team that I really looked at the scale and myself and hated everything. I had always been athletic never small but always able to keep up in sports. I stood there staring at that 232 thinking, “oh my god, this can’t be what I have let myself be.” I stopped eating again and went back and forth between starving myself and binging to the point of purging, but I never really dropped a pound. I was depressed and started cutting again. High School went on like this there were ups and downs I did have some great friends that helped me through a lot but mostly I tried to keep what I was struggling with behind the wall I had built for myself. After talking to friends now that we have grown up I know that no one really knew what was going on. A lot of them went on to say “but you were always so happy.” I graduated when I was 17 and the only thing my mom said to me was “Wow, I didn’t think you would ever get here.” (see side note)* I worked at a swimming pool that summer went to Oregon that summer with a friend and her family where this friend told me she was in love with me. At this point in my life I would never admit I was into girls too and it scared the crap out of me. When we got back to Utah I packed all of my belongings and moved 300 miles away to work and go to school.
I lived with my sister and her husband for about 6 months while in Cedar City and worked graveyards at a residential treatment center. My sister had a baby and they eventually moved back to SLC to be closer to more of their family. I moved in with 3 other girls and lived the LDS college life for another 4-6 months I didn’t drink or party at all. Then it all changed… I moved in with a friend from high school and his boy friend and we helped each other through lots of stuff his boyfriend left and moved back to SLC and my friend joined the pride club at school and introduced me to them in my “spare time” we partied and hung out… I still struggled with weight issues but I noticed that since I had moved out of my parents house I had lost 30 lbs. I was running to get rid of stress about 7 miles a day I was still not really eating and was getting nearly all of my nutrition from alcohol. About six months into this my work place hired a new girl to work with me. We instantly hit it off and became friends. Her boyfriend at the time (now husband) belonged to a frat and so we went to a lot of frat parties. I turned back into that girl that always needed to be with a guy. I was basically with a different guy every party. In a different part of my life at the same time I was dating girls and hooking up with a new girl every other week. Every thing finally got to me I had another breakdown after I found out that my aunt was really sick. I moved back to SLC and in with my parents… That lasted about a month.
When I got back to SLC I was in a bad place. I had worked graveyard shifts for 2 years and so I rarely saw sunlight. I spent the sleepless nights on myspace. One day I finally opened a message from a random guy that I never used to do but I was lonely and wanted sex and booze… We started talking and I was a royal bitch I told him the only reason he wanted to talk to me is because he thought I was hot and I had big tits. He asked me if I wanted to hang out and true to form I asked him how old he was. Since he was old enough to buy me booze I agreed. We hung out and drank but not like I expected I would. We watched 2 and a half movies before I turned to him and said “I need attention.” We started to make out and had sex. The sex went on for about a month I felt bad because I wasn’t sure how I really felt about him outside of se and started my downward spiral again I finally told him I couldn’t see him anymore and left. I basically cried for 3 days when I finally agreed to go see him again he broke down and told me that he loved me and that it didn’t matter what was going on in my life that he wanted to be there for me and love me. We decided then that we didn’t want to be apart again and started “living together” we stayed in a hostile for a few months until he got a job and we moved in with a friend of mine for a couple months. We finally got our own apartment where his mom lived with us. About a year and a half after the initial “I need attention” we got married… we decided to get married on Tuesday Dec.16th and got married on Monday Dec. 22nd. I found out that I was pregnant in april the following year. During this time I gained back all the weight that I had lost while in Cedar and 37 more after I gave birth to my daughter. While it has been a very hard relationship and the fact that I go crazy a lot my husband is a great guy and I love him so much more that I would have ever thought I would. I have made it my goal to live a healthier life for my family and myself. I want to be with them for a long, long time.